


Things You Just Don't Want to Hear at Breakfast

by seekergeek



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Bad Sex, F/M, Humor, sga flashfic challenge - bad sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-06
Updated: 2012-04-06
Packaged: 2017-11-03 03:31:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/376640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seekergeek/pseuds/seekergeek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Worst. Sex. Ever," Laura growled as she stabbed a poor, defenseless sausage repeatedly with her fork.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things You Just Don't Want to Hear at Breakfast

Chuck smiled a greeting at Cadman as she plunked her breakfast next to him and Katie, then flopped into her chair wearing a disgruntled pout on her face.   
  
"I take it your romantic night with Carson didn't work out so well," Katie commented, looking sympathetically at Cadman.   
  
"Worst. Sex. Ever," Cadman growled as she stabbed a poor, defenseless sausage repeatedly with her fork. "What the _hell_ was I thinking, going out with him?" Chuck stared at the victimized sausage on her plate and and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.  
  
"If I remember correctly, you thought his accent was hot," Katie replied with an arched eyebrow as she fiddled disinterestedly with her toast.   
  
"Well, that's the _only_ thing hot about him, then," Cadman snorted as she moved onto viciously molesting her waffle. Chuck looked nervously at the deathgrip Cadman had on her cutlery and shifted away from her slightly.  
  
"What happened, Laura?" Katie asked. "Tell us all about it and get it off your chest. That's what friends are for, right?"  
  
Chuck cleared his throat and attempted his getaway. "Well, actually I need to get to the gateroom."  
  
Katie glared at him and kicked him under the table. "You don't need to be in the gateroom for another hour yet."   
  
Chuck knew a death threat when he heard it. He had three sisters, after all. "Oh. Yeah, right," he mumbled, looking at his watch and then shaking it. "My watch must be off. Sorry. You were saying?" he added with an internal wince.  
  
Cadman, too wrapped up in her own misery to notice this byplay, jabbed at her eggs and said, "He kissed like a fish."  
  
"A fish?" Chuck repeated blankly. Oh god. He really had to get out of here somehow.  
  
"All wet and sloppy and, and lippy. I could have sworn he kissed better when I used Rodney's lips," Cadman snarled. "And his hands were wet. Wet! And he didn't have the slightest idea of what to do with them." She slammed her fork down onto the table and Chuck jumped a little. "He elbowed me in the face twice while we were undressing and kneed me in the gut when he was trying to climb on top of me."  
  
Katie leaned forward to pat Cadman on the hand while Chuck looked longingly towards the exit. "I'm so sorry it was awkward for you, Laura," Katie said soothingly.  
  
"That wasn't even the half of it!" Cadman exclaimed, clearly getting into a groove, rantwise. "He has no clue of how to play with a woman's clit. One word, Katie. _NAILS_."  
  
Katie winced in sympathy and even Chuck blinked. That had to have hurt. And he really didn't need to know that about Doctor Beckett. Ever.   
  
"And, and," Laura continued agitatedly, "he kept losing the condom. Then he couldn't get the damn thing on because he had it inside out. By the time he'd figured out what the problem was, he'd lost his erection."  
  
Chuck wondered if he learned how to meditate really, really quickly, if he would develop an Ancient talent that would allow him to gracefully sink through the floor and _out of this conversation_.  
  
Cadman plowed on. "And then, then, once he'd finally managed to get it back up and the rubber on..." she dropped her head into her hands.  
  
"What? What happened, Laura?" Katie asked, rubbing Cadman's arm comfortingly.  
  
"He shot his load after two whole strokes and spent the rest of the night talking to me about his mother," Cadman lamented into her hands. And then began to cry. Chuck stared in horror. He never knew quite what to do in this kind of situation. He didn't think that anything other than apologizing on behalf of all of male kind would work at the moment.  
  
Katie tutted and dragged Cadman off, muttering something under her breath about taking Cadman off for a drink or twelve to dull the pain. Chuck waved a weak goodbye to them both and sat then there, staring into his plate after they left.   
  
That was it, Chuck thought to himself. From now on he was sitting next to Ronon for breakfast.


End file.
